Keep Trying. Being Believing. Don't Get Discouraged. Everything Will Work Out.
I wrote most of this yesterday... so this one should be dated 4/9/13. Here goes:
Today...Not exactly what I would call a great day.
It started out as any normal day off. Kevin and I slept in, watched The Andy Griffin Show with oatmeal and toast in bed. The day started out quite nice actually!
My appointment with Brother D was at 1:15pm. We showed up a few minutes early and waited. Lots and lots of waiting in the medical field. My mom came too, bless her heart! She calls me her biggest baby and says "I don't know if you need me more, or if I need you more" Have I told you all how much I love my mother?? She is just the greatest!
Anyway, I was called back and thrown onto the scale. I normally loathe this part of the doctors office, but today I was excited! As most of you know, I've recently put off 18 pounds! I was happy to see the numbers up on the scale today :) I'll talk a little more about that in a minute.
It wasn't until I was in the room, weighed, blood pressured and questioned that my day started going down hill.
So kind of a long story, but long story short, I absolutely cannot get pregnant. (I believe I mentioned that in my last post). Brother D stressed that to me again today. I honestly don't even know what went through my head last time he said this, but for some reason I believed that after my transplant I would be able to try to have children. That left a glimmer of hope and even just that glimmer made me happy.
Today he spoke with me about that a little. He mentioned that he wasn't even sure if I would need a liver transplant in my life. Like I said, I have no idea what was going through my head or why I thought I would still be young enough to have children by the time I had a transplant. I was devastated, but kept my cool. I tried my best to bottle it in and not shed one tear. And I made it... until about 6pm.
I went to my parents house for dinner. My brother and sister in law, Brandon and Katie, and their two cute boys, Steele, 2 and Cal, 1 month, were there too. When it was my turn to hold cute baby Cal, he was kind of waking up. Katie mentioned that when he woke up he would be hungry so try to keep him asleep as long as possible. I took that precious boy into the other room so as not to wake him in the loud kitchen. Sitting there alone with that sweet boy, I just stared at him. And that's when the tears came. Adoption is a wonderful thing and both Kevin and I are looking forward to that, but it's different... I want to bear my own children. I want to experience pregnancy, the baby kicking inside me, the cravings, the morning sickness. I want to bond with my child while he/she is growing inside of my stomach. But I can't... For some reason I feel as if I am a failure as a woman, as a wife and in a small way, a mother. I know my children will come the way that God wants them to come and that even if they come through some other woman's tummy that he/she will be my child. But it's hard for me to think about.
Most of you that know me super well, know that I have looked forward to be mother all my life. I like to tell people "I've wanted a baby ever since I was a baby"
I know that God has a plan for me. I know that He knows what He's doing and that what He is doing is what's best. This trial, test of faith, this hardship is one that I was not ready to deal with. It didn't take very long for me to trust the Lord with this Cirrhosis thing, but this one will take time. It's very sensative for me especially because, and maybe it's just me, but doesn't it seem like EVERYONE and their mom is pregnant right now? There are babies everywhere! It doesn't help that there is a constant reminder.
Kevin and I really do look forward to adopting. We spoke about it for a few minutes this evening. We want an Argentine girl so badly. And at least two boys. I love babies! I love children! And I really cannot wait to be a mother!
The other problem we have been dealing with for a while is the IUD. Because I am not able to take birth control pills, I have to get an IUD. My insurance will not cover it. I have been denied 3 times already. It's getting ridiculous. Basically we are sending another appeal telling them we have two options: either the IUD or a hysterectomy, which would be an extreme measure, especially considering my age. If I am denied again, I'll have to pay about $1600 out of pocket... ouch!
Hard days call for awesome music! So naturally, I have been listening to MoTab ALL DAY LONG! During the "half time" of conference (as Kevin likes to call it haha) I downloaded about $25 worth of Mormon Tabernacle Choir songs. I have alot of their music! I loved conference so much this year and nothing brings the spirit more than the sweet sounds of Mormon Tabernacle Choir. They are my absolute favorite!
About the weight loss, in the past five weeks I have lost 18 pounds. I cut out sugar and all processed foods. I figured it would be easier on my liver and I might feel better. I have noticed a significant amount of difference in my energy levels and also the pain and headaches are gone. I also sleep alot better! It's crazy! The first 3 weeks I was very diligent and faithful to this "Lifestyle Change" (I hate the word diet. For some reason I think it implies that it's for a limited amount of time and I've heard all my life that diets don't work. This is different.) Before starting, Kevin and I decided that every 3 weeks I would get a free meal and dessert. This last time we went out to dinner and Dave & Cranky Chuckies with my parents. It was SOOO yummy! My new favorite restaurant. I also had a huge cinnabon party at University Mall. I have the best friends in the entire world! Throughout this whole "Lifestyle Change" I have had so much support and love and prayers on my behalf. I have so many wonderful people in my life! I am so blessed! This Saturday marks the second 3 weeks and I am going out to Dave & Cranky Chuckies again, like I said- new favorite restaurant. I can't even wait to celebrate with some of the greatest people in the world!
Another WONDERFUL thing that happened recently is that my husband's best friend, Al Strange, came back from his 2 year mission from Norway. We could not be happier to have him home! Him and his amazing fiance, Amanda, have been hanging out with them so much recently! Jazz games, conference, bowling! We have LOVED having them here with us! I couldn't be any more blessed with such great friends!
Another quick note I wanted to jot down before heading off. I am so grateful for my amazing husband! He is my best friend and my rock in my life right now. He never ceases to amaze me! He supports and loves me and I couldn't be happier about being married to him and having him in my life forever. I love him so much!
Today...Not exactly what I would call a great day.
It started out as any normal day off. Kevin and I slept in, watched The Andy Griffin Show with oatmeal and toast in bed. The day started out quite nice actually!
My appointment with Brother D was at 1:15pm. We showed up a few minutes early and waited. Lots and lots of waiting in the medical field. My mom came too, bless her heart! She calls me her biggest baby and says "I don't know if you need me more, or if I need you more" Have I told you all how much I love my mother?? She is just the greatest!
Anyway, I was called back and thrown onto the scale. I normally loathe this part of the doctors office, but today I was excited! As most of you know, I've recently put off 18 pounds! I was happy to see the numbers up on the scale today :) I'll talk a little more about that in a minute.
It wasn't until I was in the room, weighed, blood pressured and questioned that my day started going down hill.
So kind of a long story, but long story short, I absolutely cannot get pregnant. (I believe I mentioned that in my last post). Brother D stressed that to me again today. I honestly don't even know what went through my head last time he said this, but for some reason I believed that after my transplant I would be able to try to have children. That left a glimmer of hope and even just that glimmer made me happy.
Today he spoke with me about that a little. He mentioned that he wasn't even sure if I would need a liver transplant in my life. Like I said, I have no idea what was going through my head or why I thought I would still be young enough to have children by the time I had a transplant. I was devastated, but kept my cool. I tried my best to bottle it in and not shed one tear. And I made it... until about 6pm.
I went to my parents house for dinner. My brother and sister in law, Brandon and Katie, and their two cute boys, Steele, 2 and Cal, 1 month, were there too. When it was my turn to hold cute baby Cal, he was kind of waking up. Katie mentioned that when he woke up he would be hungry so try to keep him asleep as long as possible. I took that precious boy into the other room so as not to wake him in the loud kitchen. Sitting there alone with that sweet boy, I just stared at him. And that's when the tears came. Adoption is a wonderful thing and both Kevin and I are looking forward to that, but it's different... I want to bear my own children. I want to experience pregnancy, the baby kicking inside me, the cravings, the morning sickness. I want to bond with my child while he/she is growing inside of my stomach. But I can't... For some reason I feel as if I am a failure as a woman, as a wife and in a small way, a mother. I know my children will come the way that God wants them to come and that even if they come through some other woman's tummy that he/she will be my child. But it's hard for me to think about.
 |
| Baby Cal- Isn't he precious?? |
Most of you that know me super well, know that I have looked forward to be mother all my life. I like to tell people "I've wanted a baby ever since I was a baby"
I know that God has a plan for me. I know that He knows what He's doing and that what He is doing is what's best. This trial, test of faith, this hardship is one that I was not ready to deal with. It didn't take very long for me to trust the Lord with this Cirrhosis thing, but this one will take time. It's very sensative for me especially because, and maybe it's just me, but doesn't it seem like EVERYONE and their mom is pregnant right now? There are babies everywhere! It doesn't help that there is a constant reminder.
Kevin and I really do look forward to adopting. We spoke about it for a few minutes this evening. We want an Argentine girl so badly. And at least two boys. I love babies! I love children! And I really cannot wait to be a mother!
 |
| Just had to share this cutest picture of my nephew Steele! I love this boy to pieces! |
The other problem we have been dealing with for a while is the IUD. Because I am not able to take birth control pills, I have to get an IUD. My insurance will not cover it. I have been denied 3 times already. It's getting ridiculous. Basically we are sending another appeal telling them we have two options: either the IUD or a hysterectomy, which would be an extreme measure, especially considering my age. If I am denied again, I'll have to pay about $1600 out of pocket... ouch!
Hard days call for awesome music! So naturally, I have been listening to MoTab ALL DAY LONG! During the "half time" of conference (as Kevin likes to call it haha) I downloaded about $25 worth of Mormon Tabernacle Choir songs. I have alot of their music! I loved conference so much this year and nothing brings the spirit more than the sweet sounds of Mormon Tabernacle Choir. They are my absolute favorite!
About the weight loss, in the past five weeks I have lost 18 pounds. I cut out sugar and all processed foods. I figured it would be easier on my liver and I might feel better. I have noticed a significant amount of difference in my energy levels and also the pain and headaches are gone. I also sleep alot better! It's crazy! The first 3 weeks I was very diligent and faithful to this "Lifestyle Change" (I hate the word diet. For some reason I think it implies that it's for a limited amount of time and I've heard all my life that diets don't work. This is different.) Before starting, Kevin and I decided that every 3 weeks I would get a free meal and dessert. This last time we went out to dinner and Dave & Cranky Chuckies with my parents. It was SOOO yummy! My new favorite restaurant. I also had a huge cinnabon party at University Mall. I have the best friends in the entire world! Throughout this whole "Lifestyle Change" I have had so much support and love and prayers on my behalf. I have so many wonderful people in my life! I am so blessed! This Saturday marks the second 3 weeks and I am going out to Dave & Cranky Chuckies again, like I said- new favorite restaurant. I can't even wait to celebrate with some of the greatest people in the world!
 |
| Cinnabon Party! After 3 weeks of NO sugar and NO processed food! |
Another WONDERFUL thing that happened recently is that my husband's best friend, Al Strange, came back from his 2 year mission from Norway. We could not be happier to have him home! Him and his amazing fiance, Amanda, have been hanging out with them so much recently! Jazz games, conference, bowling! We have LOVED having them here with us! I couldn't be any more blessed with such great friends!
 |
| Al & Amanda- We LOVE them! |
Another quick note I wanted to jot down before heading off. I am so grateful for my amazing husband! He is my best friend and my rock in my life right now. He never ceases to amaze me! He supports and loves me and I couldn't be happier about being married to him and having him in my life forever. I love him so much!
Anyway, The Lord knows me and I see His tender mercies in my life everyday. I have accepted this trial of liver disease, but this trial with children will be a hard one to get through... Thank you all for your support and prayers! I feel them in my daily life and it strengthens my testimony of this wonderful gospel!
 |
| Everything will work out... I love Gordon B Hinckley! Inspiring words from an inspiring man. |
Nat-this makes me cry! I know without question that God is mindful of you and that he has a plan for you, but I also know how difficult it can be to submit to His will. Praying for you! I will say while adopting Izze I was a bit worried that I might feel differently about her than my other grandchildren and that it might take time to really love her, but you will find that they are yours - thru and thru - and that you will love them instantly and without reserve. She is truly a huge blessing in our lives - don't know what we do without her! Praying for you to feel that sweet peace and know of God's tender love for you! You are amazing. Hang in there - it really WILL be all-right! Love you!
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