After 7 years of being sick, I had given up....

I've thought about writing this post for a while now. I wasn't sure how to put into words how I've been feeling.
It's been a very hard couple of months. Physically, emotionally, everything-ly. I was surrounded by people who love me and care for me, but I had never felt so alone.

Words cannot describe the feelings of severe depressive state I was in. Slowly everything I loved in my life up to that point didn't matter. I had given up. After 7 years of being sick... I had finally caved. My faith was fading....All my days spent off of work, I stayed in bed. I would go to work, come home and lay in bed. There were so many questions going through my head, so many thoughts that the "positive Natalie" would be so ashamed of.

I was angry. Angry at the doctors that were making me wait. Angry at my husband for "not doing enough to help". Angry with Heavenly Father... why was this happening to me? What did I do wrong?
The anger eventually turned to hurt... I convinced myself that I was alone. I was not worth anyone's time. I was forgotten... I mean how could people remember me? I've been sick for so long! I've masked it with a smile! People who heard about my disease for the first time were shocked. I don't look sick, so why would people think they need to reach out? Why would people think I needed help? ...I was in the lowest state of my life. I was surrounded by darkness in a world where I was so used to the light.

Over the last couple of weeks, I have slowly seen the light come back into my life. Not completely, but I am definitely doing things to make it work. My hope is that someone in that darkness will happen upon this post and feel that everything is going to be okay. That there are things you can do to help yourself. I believe these steps can help anyone who is down and needs to find the light in their lives.

1. A Prayer of Gratitude. I have never been very good with personal prayer. During those depressive times, it was not my first instinct to get on my knees and thank my Heavenly Father for all that I have. Over the last couple weeks, I notice a significant difference on the days that I start my mornings with a prayer. We have so much to be grateful for! It's finding the silver lining and running with it!

2. Keep a journal- The last couple of weeks I have started a new journal. I have had a wonderful experience with writing my thoughts, feelings and what is going on in my life. I have gotten to know myself and thought about my future. It's given me hope and gotten rid of the bitter feelings. Journal keeping is basically free therapy. I can let go and unwind at the end of the day. (A cup of hot cocoa along with some writing doesn't hurt either!)

3. Listen to hymns. Music has so much power and impact over people's emotions. I know that because of a personal progress project I did in high school. I stopped listening to music on the radio for 2 weeks and recognized I had the spirit with me more often when I listened to uplifting music.
During my short 25 minute commute to work, I often listen to music. This past week I have only listened to hymns. I was brought to tears as I realized the spirit answered my prayer through the hymn "I Believe in Christ"

"I believe in Christ, so come what may"....When those words were sung, I knew Heavenly Father was talking to me. I have to be patient. He will answer my prayers through time. HIS TIME. Not mine. I have to trust in Him.

4. Confide in a friend. I have so many wonderful friends, so many people who love and care about me. At the time of my sadness, many people were reaching out, even though I chose not to notice. I had one particular friend who extended a hand and I grabbed on... Through text messages and Skype calls, this friend was able to help me realize I am worth a lot more than I thought I was. I was able to build up courage to take that first step to healing because of this friend. I am forever grateful for the endless love and care of my friend who is, no doubt, heaven sent. (Love you Dubba!)

5. Listen to the words of the prophets. Compared to others, my life is a piece of cake. But to me, this is the hardest mountain I think I will ever have to climb. This week, each day as I have gotten ready for work or when I felt sad or alone, I have turned on the YouTube Mormon Message channel. I found the most incredible video I wanted to share with you.





"When I have tried all my life to be good, why has this happened to me?"
I have acted on that twig of faith this week... I stumbled and fell and it took a lot to get up. But my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ convinced me that He would not forsake me. I am never alone. I feel His love and His mercy. This will not always be the case. It's an ever going process and I can't wait to be back to myself, the "positive Natalie".  He has promised me there are angels to bear me up and He always keeps His word.

His love is unfailing...which is why I am going to be just fine and so are you.

Natalie Janae