It's Okay To Be Sad. We Are All Human.
Have you ever heard the phrase "Beaten while you are down?" That's about quite how I feel right about now. Just when I think I have everything under control and nothing else can happen, something else comes along that makes it hard. Now I don't consider myself a complainer (not all the time), but this might be a pity party post, so if you are looking for good news or the happy side of me, go read my previous posts or better yet, go watch the Ellen Show! She's amazing and will definitely make you laugh.
So here it is:
A month ago, surrogacy was so right. It felt so great! It gave me hope to have a little Natalie/Kevin baby. It was exciting and new and something I could have sworn was a good choice. After meeting with Dr Peterson in Reproductive Medicine at the U, I was at a low. He basically told me two bits of bad news. Number one, my eggs were likely to not be good enough for surrogacy. Surrogacy is a risk and a high priced risk I might add. And if my eggs are below a certain AMH score, that risk was not worth taking. Secondly, I would have to have stimulant shots to make my eggs harvest-able, which means they would have to pump estrogen in me. That is an even bigger risk! That's the whole reason I couldn't get pregnant in the first place. My liver would not be able to handle the estrogen levels when pregnant.
Driving home with my mom from that doctors appointment was a hard 45 minutes. I kept questioning and hurting and crying and dying a little inside, because once again there was a small possible chance that I might be the mother of my own blooded child and it was taken away from me. I wasn't hopeful and my future didn't look as bright and easy as I thought. Please do not misunderstand and think that I am not all for adoption. Adoption is a beautiful and wonderful thing and I cannot wait to adopt!
I met with Dr Jacob, my OBGYN and he is the one that confirmed my eggs are fine and might be worth the risk, but the estrogen shots were going to be a huge problem! He said he was very doubtful my liver doctor would give the go ahead for that. Dr Jacob and I once again addressed the issues of my insurance and the IUD. Both Dr Dickinson and Dr Jacob believed the best thing to be getting a tubal ligation, or getting my tubes tied.
After countless nights lying awake, praying my heart out, crying out my out I have made the decision and become okay with getting them tied. I know regardless of how my children come, they will be mine and I will love them just as much as the children that came from my own blood. I cannot wait until that day!
A few things need to happen in the meantime,
1. I need to get the insurance to cover my tubal ligation. My mom called the insurance before the pre-authorization was put through the OBGYN. They said "Yes! We cover that, she is good to go." Imagine my surprise and frustration and fears and tears that came today when I got a call from my doctor saying that my insurance will not cover it. They need letters from Dr Box, my liver specialist, Dr Dickinson, my gastroenterologist, Dr Jacob, my OBGYN and me. AH! This is the IUD nightmare all over again! I am so sick of sending letter after letter and not getting anything approved. I just want to show up to the Owner/CEO/Head Honcho guy and shake him and say "Don't you know I am going to die if I don't get these procedures!?" It seriously is the biggest joke. Now you kind of see why I feel kicked while I'm already down? Speaking of insurance...that leads to numero dos.
2. I turn 26 in 2 years and 63 days. In that time, Kevin needs to be done with his degree and have a secure job that has amazing insurance. If not...well? We're screwed. I cannot go one day off of insurance or no one will ever pick me up. I have way too many pre-existing conditions. I am basically the biggest liability. Luckily, I believe Kevin will be done and hope he will have a great job by then. Until then, he is quitting his job in January and I will be the bacon provider. (Literally...I feel like we buy bacon every time we are at the store. Kevin reminds me of Ron Swanson sometimes.)
Turns out I might have to get a part time working nights job just to pay the bills. It's going to a hard working year next year.
3. I have to get healthy. As mentioned in previous posts, I will have to have to a liver transplant within the next 5 years. I am super nervous and it's kind of a long way off, but before kids, I need to be able to take care of myself. I want to be there in the long haul. I want to live my life for as long as I possibly can with my children. Let's put it this way, I have a mission here on earth and I'm not going anywhere until that mission is complete and I know I am supposed to have children before I leave. I have no doubt in my mind that when I am healthy enough, which is sooner than later, I will be able to take care of my babies!
4. Win the lottery. But seriously, how am I going to pay for a tubal ligation, liver transplant, medication, doctor visits, school, babies and not to mention food and a roof over our heads? Maybe Ellen can help me out...
I have felt the need to cry more within the last couple weeks than any other time I can think of in my life. It's been tough. But I am so blessed to have a such a wonderful support system!
In fact, just this week I was able to see one of my very best of friends for the first time this summer. Her name is Rosemary and I love her and her little family! I couldn't ask for better friends!
Here are a few things that have been happening outside of medical stuff that I wanted to share:
My little brother, Nathan, got his mission call! He leaves on December 18 to the Mexico MTC where he will be learning Spanish to teach the people in the Kennewick WA mission. I couldn't be more proud or happy for him! I had to opportunity to be there when he was ordained and it was an incredibly moving experience. After his ordination, he was asked by his Bishop, Bishop Jacob, who is also my OBGYN, to give my mom a blessing. I was able to witness my little brother giving his first priesthood blessing and what an experience that was! He is going to be an incredible missionary! He will be greatly missed, but loved and cared for my so many!
I was called as Young Women's secretary and have had the time of my life with the beautiful girls of the Aspen 8th Ward! I had the opportunity to go up with the Bishopric and the bishops wife to the dinner and testimony meeting up at Camp Shalom! It brought back so many amazing memories of being in Young Women's and being at girls camp. The time I was able to spend with this girls at the last day of camp was amazing! These girls are so bright and so full of life. They are such examples to me and my heart was so full of love towards them! They are just the most incredible girls! I am so grateful for my calling!
I don't have too much time left, but I love my family! The church is true! And even though I complain a little, I am ever so grateful! I have to much to be thankful for and am so blessed to be where I am.
I love you all so much! Thank you for your support! I feel your prayers on our behalf and appreciate them so much!
Until next time,
Natalie
So here it is:
A month ago, surrogacy was so right. It felt so great! It gave me hope to have a little Natalie/Kevin baby. It was exciting and new and something I could have sworn was a good choice. After meeting with Dr Peterson in Reproductive Medicine at the U, I was at a low. He basically told me two bits of bad news. Number one, my eggs were likely to not be good enough for surrogacy. Surrogacy is a risk and a high priced risk I might add. And if my eggs are below a certain AMH score, that risk was not worth taking. Secondly, I would have to have stimulant shots to make my eggs harvest-able, which means they would have to pump estrogen in me. That is an even bigger risk! That's the whole reason I couldn't get pregnant in the first place. My liver would not be able to handle the estrogen levels when pregnant.
Driving home with my mom from that doctors appointment was a hard 45 minutes. I kept questioning and hurting and crying and dying a little inside, because once again there was a small possible chance that I might be the mother of my own blooded child and it was taken away from me. I wasn't hopeful and my future didn't look as bright and easy as I thought. Please do not misunderstand and think that I am not all for adoption. Adoption is a beautiful and wonderful thing and I cannot wait to adopt!
I met with Dr Jacob, my OBGYN and he is the one that confirmed my eggs are fine and might be worth the risk, but the estrogen shots were going to be a huge problem! He said he was very doubtful my liver doctor would give the go ahead for that. Dr Jacob and I once again addressed the issues of my insurance and the IUD. Both Dr Dickinson and Dr Jacob believed the best thing to be getting a tubal ligation, or getting my tubes tied.
After countless nights lying awake, praying my heart out, crying out my out I have made the decision and become okay with getting them tied. I know regardless of how my children come, they will be mine and I will love them just as much as the children that came from my own blood. I cannot wait until that day!
A few things need to happen in the meantime,
1. I need to get the insurance to cover my tubal ligation. My mom called the insurance before the pre-authorization was put through the OBGYN. They said "Yes! We cover that, she is good to go." Imagine my surprise and frustration and fears and tears that came today when I got a call from my doctor saying that my insurance will not cover it. They need letters from Dr Box, my liver specialist, Dr Dickinson, my gastroenterologist, Dr Jacob, my OBGYN and me. AH! This is the IUD nightmare all over again! I am so sick of sending letter after letter and not getting anything approved. I just want to show up to the Owner/CEO/Head Honcho guy and shake him and say "Don't you know I am going to die if I don't get these procedures!?" It seriously is the biggest joke. Now you kind of see why I feel kicked while I'm already down? Speaking of insurance...that leads to numero dos.
2. I turn 26 in 2 years and 63 days. In that time, Kevin needs to be done with his degree and have a secure job that has amazing insurance. If not...well? We're screwed. I cannot go one day off of insurance or no one will ever pick me up. I have way too many pre-existing conditions. I am basically the biggest liability. Luckily, I believe Kevin will be done and hope he will have a great job by then. Until then, he is quitting his job in January and I will be the bacon provider. (Literally...I feel like we buy bacon every time we are at the store. Kevin reminds me of Ron Swanson sometimes.)
Turns out I might have to get a part time working nights job just to pay the bills. It's going to a hard working year next year.
3. I have to get healthy. As mentioned in previous posts, I will have to have to a liver transplant within the next 5 years. I am super nervous and it's kind of a long way off, but before kids, I need to be able to take care of myself. I want to be there in the long haul. I want to live my life for as long as I possibly can with my children. Let's put it this way, I have a mission here on earth and I'm not going anywhere until that mission is complete and I know I am supposed to have children before I leave. I have no doubt in my mind that when I am healthy enough, which is sooner than later, I will be able to take care of my babies!
4. Win the lottery. But seriously, how am I going to pay for a tubal ligation, liver transplant, medication, doctor visits, school, babies and not to mention food and a roof over our heads? Maybe Ellen can help me out...
I have felt the need to cry more within the last couple weeks than any other time I can think of in my life. It's been tough. But I am so blessed to have a such a wonderful support system!
In fact, just this week I was able to see one of my very best of friends for the first time this summer. Her name is Rosemary and I love her and her little family! I couldn't ask for better friends!
.JPG) |
| I love this girl :) I have amazing friends! |
Here are a few things that have been happening outside of medical stuff that I wanted to share:
My little brother, Nathan, got his mission call! He leaves on December 18 to the Mexico MTC where he will be learning Spanish to teach the people in the Kennewick WA mission. I couldn't be more proud or happy for him! I had to opportunity to be there when he was ordained and it was an incredibly moving experience. After his ordination, he was asked by his Bishop, Bishop Jacob, who is also my OBGYN, to give my mom a blessing. I was able to witness my little brother giving his first priesthood blessing and what an experience that was! He is going to be an incredible missionary! He will be greatly missed, but loved and cared for my so many!
.JPG) |
| I love my little brother :) |
I was called as Young Women's secretary and have had the time of my life with the beautiful girls of the Aspen 8th Ward! I had the opportunity to go up with the Bishopric and the bishops wife to the dinner and testimony meeting up at Camp Shalom! It brought back so many amazing memories of being in Young Women's and being at girls camp. The time I was able to spend with this girls at the last day of camp was amazing! These girls are so bright and so full of life. They are such examples to me and my heart was so full of love towards them! They are just the most incredible girls! I am so grateful for my calling!
I don't have too much time left, but I love my family! The church is true! And even though I complain a little, I am ever so grateful! I have to much to be thankful for and am so blessed to be where I am.
I love you all so much! Thank you for your support! I feel your prayers on our behalf and appreciate them so much!
Until next time,
Natalie
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